Telling Kids to Smile and Other Ways to Sabotage Your Family Session

Have you ever sat in front of a plant that you know can bloom into the most beautiful flower you can think of and thought to yourself: "Maybe there's something I can do to make this plant bloom? Right here, right now."

I'm going somewhere with this, bear with me!

So you try to ask nicely, "Hey, Flowerfriend. Would you mind blooming?" And you wait patiently. Nothing, no response. So you reason, maybe they just don't know how important it is that they bloom right now.

"It sure would mean a lot if you would bloom right now, I'd love to see you."

Crickets...

So you begin to think, 'I spent a lot of time, effort, and even some money getting this flower. It's only right that I get to decide when it blooms.' You start to get frustrated, wronged even.

"Now you're just being rude." you exclaim. "I asked nicely and after everything I've done for you, the least you could do is bloom!"

The silence is deafening.

You plead, you yell, you bargain, you beg, you bribe; nothing you do has the effect you're looking for. The flower. Just. Won't. Bloom.

Do you still think we're talking about a flower here?

There are so many different ways we've all been taught to get our children to laugh, it's silly. Some of it comes from popular culture, other old family "secrets" passed down the generations, and others still just adult logic we're trying to make work with our young, underdeveloped, agents of chaos and snuggles.

Let's chat about X different ways that we should completely DITCH when trying to get children to laugh and have fun during photography sessions. Beware, sarcasm approaches, but there's a lot of incoming wisdom within!

1. "Say Cheese" If You Want to Look Fake

Okay, let's do a bit of a demonstration. Find a mirror or open your phone to selfie mode and take a look at yourself. Say "Hello, Beautiful!".

And now, I want you to do some modeling. Say "cheeeeeeesssse" really long and take about seven photos of yourself while doing it, then review. Depending on your preference, you're going to get a photo of you with puckered lips stuck in the "ch" position and a scrunched nose or you're going to see an overpronounced toothy expression of weirdness.

Woof, right?

This may not be fixable any more - and I still struggle with this with my kids - but we actually drive our kids into this from a really young age. Every time we take their photo and give them the 'ol "say cheese", we're reinforcing the habit. Sooner or later, you're going to get a kiddo who will only do that face in all the pictures they are in - whether you say the secret words of doom or not.

So beyond time travel to fix the childhood of reinforcement for them, what can be done?

A good word replacement instead of "say cheese" could be "say banana". Try it out yourself with your mirror or phone. You'll notice the last "ah" sound produces an expression that looks a little bit more like a natural, laughy smile.

When I'm photographing a session, I don't rely on any repeat-after-me's unless I'm in a real pinch. Instead I tell jokes, ask kids to tell short stories, ask them questions that make them think, or ask them to answer questions about their family. I'm not opposed to resorting to some slapstick shenanigans or falling to the ground like a clutz to get kids (and adults) to laugh at me. And honestly, its in between the laughs that I see the most authentic smiles.

2. "Real smiles only, please" Says Adult Manufacturing Their Smile

Here's a bit of parenting wisdom that I picked up in my five years and counting of fatherhood. When your kids are in the zone - they're playing their hearts out laughing, and giggling, and goofing around, and just having the time of their lives - they have this filter in their brain. The first thing that get's filtered out is low-level communication, the attention requesting "Hey, kiddo, come here" type of language just hits a wall and goes nowhere. You can get through that barrier with a bit more effort, but then you hit the second level of the filter. Anything that isn't similar to "I support the fun you're having right now" is typically automatically translated to "Stop having your fun right now."

You say: "Hey, let's smile for real, please."
They hear: "Stop having fun."

"Mr. Jason really needs your attention right now"
"Stop having fun."

"Can you stand still for just a moment."
"Stop having fun."

And what's the worst thing that can happen when you tell a kid to stop having fun? You get a 180 heel turn in the exact opposite direction with an extreme vengeance. Best thing is that the kiddo gets taken down a notch or two and suddenly isn't as responsive as they could be. In any case, from 0 to 100, this hurts the session.

And I get it. It's so hard to just let go of that feeling of "if my child doesn't listen to me, we're not going to get good photos". But 99 of 100 times, adults taking action - even when the motive is pure - is having the opposite effect.

The great news is, your photographer likely already has that as part of the plan. I sure do! And there are plenty of reasons for this:

• Getting true, happy expressions is so much easier when children are having fun

• I have my own tricks for guiding children into and out of serious smile photos

• 80% or more of the photos I'm aiming to get contain real connections, actual joy and love.

When it comes down to it, I really just want you to focus on you and having a good time. Leave the expressions, the behavior, and the kid management to me. Trust that if I can't rein then in when needed, I'll ask for help. Until then, let the kids be kids.

3. "I'm Going to Dangle the Only Thing in the World You Want to Hold Right Now In Front of You, But You Can't Have It. Wait, Why Are You Upset?"

There's generally three age ranges of kids that this involves and they all need to be handled differently: young babies, older babies and toddlers, and the rest.

Young Babies - The Easy Ones

You likely know this and we're not going to get too deep into child psychology, but babies to a certain age lack something called object permanence. In the simplest terms, things only exist to them when they are in view.

Mom is in view? 'Hey, I recognize that person. They're great!' Mom leaves for work? Nary a thought of mom crosses the little one's mind.

The same goes for anything they see or are interested in. Food, Fido, dad, their toys, and even their favorite stuffy. This means that using a favorite thing get their attention and focus on the camera is a fantastic tool! Grab that Reptar doll and rubber band it to the photographer's camera, and boy are you in business!

(for those wanting to keep track, object permanence generally develops around 4-6 months old, though sometimes beyond that depending on the kiddo)

Young Babies and Toddlers - Here Comes Trouble

This is where props get a bit dicey. If you want the young tyke to be photographed WITH their favorite toy or stuffy, then awesome. Maybe I'd suggest introducing it a bit later in the session though. But if you want photos with your kiddos without Mr. Doof the Bear, it's probably a good idea to leave them at home if you can.

Here's the thing: once that treasured pal is seen or felt by your little rascal, that's where the focus is going to be. They'll want it forever, they'll want to run with it, they'll want it in their hands in a death grip for all eternity, and they will fight like the dickens if you try and part the inseparable.

Obviously, its a double edged sword because depending on the kid they might have a hard time without their best friend there. You just have to use your best judgement and, if that stuffed animal has to be around, you just have to be okay with them being in the family portrait. And remember, happy kids make better photos than upset kids any day of the week.

Everyone Else - Slightly Better Odds Than a Crap Shoot

Kids outside the toddler territory could still fit into the category above, depending on where they are at and what their personality is like. So much of that advice might still apply to any kid from those just out of toddler clothes to those about to embark on the pimple-popping awkward years.

The trick here is that the older they get, the easier it is to reason with you. You might be able to trust that a deal can be brokered to mitigate or even remove the potential of a bonus participant altogether.

Let's Wrap Up

At the end of the day, it's really simple. A happy kid is a photogenic kid. Anything we as adults can do to accomplish the goal of joyful kids in the moment is a worthwhile goal, especially where a family photography session is concerned. If you're heading into a photography session with me in the coming days and weeks, here's what I suggest are the biggest takeaways:

• Trust in the process and in my plan. I've got this! I have plenty of experience with kids, I know what I need to do to get the shots you're after and I'm going to make your family look good!

• Don't worry about the kids. This is super hard, but resist the temptation to "course correct", "discipline", "sternly guide", or in any other way try to get them to listen. Again, I've got this! You just worry about celebrating your family, keeping things fun, and enjoying yourself and your family.

• Resist the temptation to exercise control. Here's looking at you, type-A peeps! I say that with all the love, but remember: you hired a professional photographer for a reason and if you could do it on your own easily, you would have already. Heck, maybe you already tried! I can't stress this enough; trust, trust, trust.